And a lot of awesome alliteration, also. It's been awhile since my last post, as you've no doubt noticed and a lot has happened in the world. One item of pressing business I wanted to jot a few notes on is the continuing struggle of the caveman. The Geico commercials that have run these past few years have severely compromised our efforts to bring equality to our two species. It's true that I'm not actually a homo neanderthalensis, but because I've spent most of my life looking like one I feel I must be a brother in hairy arms. The incident that sparked this tirade occurred last week as I was buying groceries with my family. A woman saw my son and remarked to her friend under her breath that he was so cute, it was just a shame he's half caveman. The ignorance! I couldn't believe that after several hundred thousand years we can't get past this kind of senseless bigotry. I suppose it's true that speciesism is it's own punishment for that woman doesn't know me or my child or anything about the great things our species does for the world and therefore has condemned herself to live inside her own hate-filled pseudo-head. It did, however, give me cause to reconsider why I was so mad about this phenomena.


While many of my comrades have gone so far as to bellow for reparations for homo sapiens' attempt to wipe us out, I say let bygones be bygones, and Darwin be-darned! We can live in harmony on our little twirly dirt bubble, but it's going to take some work. First we need to stop thinking in terms of species, and this definitely applies to us first. We neanderthals can't keep using our violent past with humans as an excuse for our current plights. I personally have never had my life threatened by a human, just a little ego bruising by people who more than likely pass the same kind of ignorant judgement on the very next person they pass because of body image or wardrobe or anything else that short-sighted hate-mongers decide isn't acceptable. We also need to stop calling attention to species in the media. While a frequent cable news special highlighting the modern caveman experience makes us feel important it actually accentuates the line that we have drawn between us. Organizations that have been set up to help our cause and protect our rights have actually done more damage to our sense of unity with the human race. Any time a specific species is mentioned in the name of a group or a story about an individual we take a major hit to our credibility and the legitimacy of our claim of equality.

In closing let me say that we may look uncouth to humans. Our hairy... well, everything... and prominent brows may cause some to stare, but it is no different for obese people, or attractive people, or people with ragged clothing. These image judgements are specious at best and divisive at worst. We are the same as any other sentient being on this planet. We brought the world fire, for crying out loud! How hot is that? I am not a mindless brute, humanity, and neither are you. Let's all just get along.

• Please note that the preceding post is a piece of fictitious satire and any claimed resemblence of the symbolic cavemen to real people is merely an unfortuate by-product of the author's inability to come up with anything more creative.

• No cavemen were harmed in the making of this post.